Dear Diary;

5th March 2013

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i am ready to punch holes in all the fucking walls. this is getting so god damn ridiculous and out of hand that i’m ready to press charges on this ass wipe. i want my god damn car and i want it now. i can’t do this shit anymore. i can’t ALWAYS get a ride to work, what you think i have a family i can rely on? try again fuckhead. they call me the selfish one but in all honesty, it’s them. fuck this shit. i’m just trying to do my job that they wanted me to so desperately get.

29th November 2012

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I want you to know,

that I love you. :)

22nd September 2012

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God gave me you…

Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough for you and that you’ll never fall for me or love me like you loved her. I’m scared that I’m going to fall so in love with you and then she’ll come back into the picture. I’m scared to have my heart broken again, but you always assure me of how much you care about me and feel about me. I’ve put up so many walls since February 7, 2011, it’s unthinkable. But something about you gives me the assurance I need that you’re different and do care about me. Maybe it’s the way that you look at me. Or the way you kiss me or wrestle with me or hug me or hold me when we’re sleeping. But those times when you don’t want to talk about whatever is bothering you, always brings me back to “oh no, he’s thinking about her and how much he misses her”. I don’t want that, I want to be sure of you and I’m afraid that because I feel like this, we should have waited before we got into this. Maybe it’s just going to take time? I hope so, because baby, I’m falling for you…head first. I just want to lay with you every night and not think about tomorrow. I don’t want to get too stuck on you like I did with him because of these fears of you leaving me. I do trust you, I’m just scared. One heart break is enough for me for an entire life time. I just want you to be the last one that I’ll ever have to start over and know. 

Needless to say, baby, let me know if you’re not ready for this because I’m serious about you. I want you, and only you. I want only sleep with you at night when I’m sick. I want only you to make me ramen when I’m sick. I want only you to push me up against the wall, look me in the eyes, and kiss me like you do. Yes, I’m falling in love with you.

28th July 2012

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I’m moving on, and on my own…

I don’t need to fall back onto anyone else anymore. I’m 20 years old, I don’t want to live at home anymore for the simple fact of, I’m an adult. Have been for 2 years and I haven’t made any “real” adult decisions or struggles. I need to be back in gear with school, stop worrying about friends and boys, and just take the leap and move out on my own. I’ll feel so proud of myself to have my own place, work full time and part time and go to school. I won’t have time for any of the things that have distracted me over the last 2 years. Not saying I don’t love the people in my life, but they’ve always come before me. It’s taken me too long to realize this, but I’m just slow. :) 

Anyways, Rachel, you can enjoy living with your fuck buddy and if you think it’ll work, you’re fucking crazy and don’t come crying to me because you’re not crashing on my couch. 

Off to work!